That Time Cochise Slapped the President of the New United States
by sartiebodyshots
Summary: Cochise misunderstands the role of the butt slap in North American culture, but Tom is willing to straighten things out. Ben is probably traumatized for life by the whole thing.


It comes out of nowhere, but maybe Tom should have anticipated something like this.

Diplomacy with the Volm has been… tricky at best. But Tom thinks he has a good rapport going with the Volm representative, Cochise. He seems fair and almost as determined to drive the Espheni from the Earth as Tom himself.

After a long night of negotiation and discussion, Tom walks Cochise to the edge of the Charleston encampment. It's pretty standard, at least since Cochise started coming to Charleston by himself. While Tom has given strict orders that the Volm are not to be harmed, he knows that there are plenty of people out there unhappy about making a deal with another set of aliens. Better safe than sorry. And it gives him the chance to talk to his new friend in a less formal setting.

"We've made great strides over the past few weeks, Cochise. I'm looking forward to announcing our official treaty soon," Tom says, looking up at him with a smile when they reach the edge of the Volm compound.

"Yours is a very… unique species, Tom Mason, very different from any the Volm have encountered before, but, I concur," Cochise says pensively.

"Hey, we're not that bad," Tom says with fake outrage. He nudges Cochise.

"No, no you're not," Cochise says. Suddenly, he pulls his arm back and smacks Tom firmly on the ass. "I will see you tomorrow, Tom Mason."

Tom grunts in surprise, stumbling forward a step. "Uh, yeah. See you tomorrow."

Cochise helps steady him and then returns to his compound without another word. Tom watches him go, shaking his head and turning once he's out of sight.

When he turns around, his middle child is creeping out of the underbrush with a horrified look on his face. "What was _that_?"

"Are you spying on me?" Tom asks, raising an eyebrow.

Ben shrugs sheepishly. "I keep an eye on you sometimes when I'm not on patrol and you're up late with the Volm. I don't need the sleep anyway."

Tom starts walking back to camp and Ben walks with him.

"And I don't need a babysitter," Tom says.

"I'm not babysitting you!" Ben protests. "It's just…"

"You don't trust Cochise and the Volm." It's a common enough sentiment.

"It's not about trust or distrust," Ben says. "They make me uneasy."

"What do you mean?" Tom asks. He hadn't expected anyone to be immediately at ease with the Volm, but he had expected that Ben would be more tolerant than any of the others.

"They make the rebel skitters uneasy, and I can't-" Ben shivers. "I can't shake it."

"You know how you asked me to trust you about the rebels?" Tom asks.

Ben nods and Tom sets a hand on his shoulder gently.

"I'm asking you and everyone else to trust me the same way," Tom says, squeezing.

"Even after tonight? That was really weird, Dad."

"I'm sure it was some kind of misunderstanding. He's an alien. I'll talk to him tomorrow. But about the Volm- I need you to trust me," Tom says. "It's the only way we can win this war and get our planet back."

Ben nods at him. "I understand. I-I'll try, see what I can convince the rebels of, in case we need their help."

"I know I can count on you," Tom says, "although, I don't need you following me."

"Just looking out for you, Dad," Ben says as they reach the main part of the Charleston and start to go their separate ways.

"I mean it, Ben," Tom says. "I don't want to see you following me again."

Ben laughs. "You won't see me, promise," he yells to him as he jogs away.

"Not what I meant," Tom yells back, shaking his head.

Tom finishes up the work he has for the night at a leisurely pace before heading back to his quarters for a few hours of sleep.

Before he knows it, he's back across the negotiating table from Cochise. They're surrounded by advisors, human and Volm, as is the norm at the start of the day. It's not an ideal situation to discuss interspecies butt touching.

"Would you mind staying for a second?" Tom asks Cochise when they break for lunch.

"We do not require a midday meal," Cochise says, inclining his head and sitting back down.

"Last night…" Tom tries to figure out exactly how to phrase it. "In our culture, a gesture like that is considered a sign of sexual interest. A pretty crude one, too."

Cochise inhales sharply. "My only intention was to convey a heightened feeling of comradery because of the work we have done, as I have seen other humans do during some of their rituals."

Tom tries to think of what kind of things Cochise could have witnessed involving ass slapping that could be considered a ritual. "What rituals?"

"We never discovered what they were called. Some kind of ritualized battle. Two groups of humans doing battle over a prolate spheroid," Cochise says with an uncharacteristic unease.

If only Ben was here to tell him what the hell a prolate spheroid actually is. But Tom can piece together enough. Apparently the Volm had taken in some sports games before saying hi. He would have to find out if the Volm have some kind of equivalent or not. "Okay, Cochise, that's a very specific situation. In that context, the gesture means teamwork. In other contexts…" He gestures vaguely.

"It is a crude sexual advance, I understand," Cochise says. He stands up and takes a few steps towards Tom's end of the table, making Tom tilt his head up to maintain eye contact. "That would be an inappropriate and unwise advance at this juncture, considering our respective positions."

Tom licks his lips and nods, leaning back in his chair. "At this point, yes. Displaying anything other than diplomatic friendliness would be a bad idea, particularly in front of others. They would think that I wasn't thinking clearly about our alliance." It would take the alien lover epithet to a whole new level.

"I will refrain from such gestures in the future, and you have my sincerest apologies for any distress or discomfort I may have caused you," Cochise says. "It was certainly not my intention; I hold you in high esteem and merely was attempting to express such."

"I know, Cochise," Tom says, standing up. "I didn't say _I_ was uncomfortable; I wanted to make sure you understood what you were doing."

"I did not understand at the time, Tom Mason," Cochise says, "but now I understand the implications and possible repercussions of such an action."

"And?"

"And perhaps one day, such actions will no longer have such negative repercussions," Cochise says.

"We can only hope, Cochise," Tom says, patting Cochise's arm and looking up at him.

"You need your midday nourishment, Tom Mason," Cochise says after a long silence.

Tom presses his lips together and nods. "It's always good talking to you, Cochise." He walks towards the door, Cochise close behind. Before he reaches the door, Cochise gives his ass one firm pat and squeeze. Tom smiles, looking forward to whatever it is that's to come.


End file.
